beggar

Now I can't remember if this was Brennan Manning's interpretation of the scripture or he was quoting someone else....but I loved how he talked about the meaning of "the poor in the spirit" ...he said that this can also be interpreted as Beggars at the door of God's mercy.

I love that.

I have been chasing a career, and even been chasing "ministry" aspirations for so many years that I think on this rainy day on a friday, a 30 year old, that's not young if you're 20...and not old if you're 40....I'm just tired. And I also "know" I shouldn't do that, but I do...what up with that?!

On this rainy day in March I reflect on being a Christian, and I just get overwhelmed at all that I'm not, and it makes me think that why I'm so attracted to "the ragamuffin gospel." I obsess over my have not's and failures...i think it's one thing to go..".don't do that"...and have faith in that "Jesus loves me for who I am, not for who I'm not"...but today I find myself begging for the gift of faith to believe that...to be confident in that...

This process of making a movie about Rich is a healthily strange one. It's the movie industry, yet has nothing to do with any career aspirations i have whatsoever. I love that. And doing a movie about your hero is a bonus, but the reason he is my hero, is he's heroic where I struggle...he's strong where I'm weak...he's brave where I'm timid etc....and the healthy part of doing a movie on him...brings me back to the humble posture of a beggar...hey I am in need...and if you would just show kindness...an inkling of compassion in this area...I can get by...but if you don't I won't...that's why I'm not asking...no, I'm begging.

So I realize that these have all been a.d.d. ramblings...so let me wrap up with this...what am I begging for? a heart I once had, that now feels like a distant childhood memory...and strangely I think was...

I remember being on tour with "the color green" and we were what was named "the poor camp in ohio"...or the "dirt poor camp'...I can't remember...I only remember they had some gross bologna pizza...anyway i remember i was ranting after some show we did...and I don't really remember anything i said...I'm sure it wasn't very profound...maybe emotional...but not profound...but what I do remember is my heart...and how free and joyous it felt...I remember it was afternoon...and the sun was pouring in through this chapel through the large window spaces...and I remember the only thing i cared about was Christ. Maybe how David felt when he stripped naked and danced in the streets, or when Peter said, hang me upside down on the cross because I'm not worthy enough to hang the same way Jesus did, or maybe st. francis giving away everything to go to the middle of nowhere and build a church even though everyone thought he was crazy, or shane claiborne starting the simple way, or mark driscoll starting mars hill church, or erwin mcmanus writing a book, or Paul writing all those wonderful letters that became scripture, or billy graham preaching the gospel, or mother theresa felt when she would take the worst shoes so everyone else could have better shoes, or how moses felt when he was crossing the red see, or how the isrealites felt when the saw manna fall from heaven, or when my grandma would be in prayer at 5 in the morning in my living room growing up (and maybe even now in her lucid state), or how randy wheeler felt driving to california, or how I feel even now as I write this blog...this inkling that all that really matters is loving God, being faithful to Jesus, and loving the hell out of everybody that I come in contact with. Especially my enemies, for how could I ever learn to love my enemies, if I had none?

But the sun's not pouring through the windows today. I'm in California and experiencing a seattle rain. And I'm not the 20 year old I once was so full of zeal, I'm a 30 year old who looks and feels like he's 40 and spent a part of his life being a prodigal and part being in awe of the kabod. So I find myself begging today, begging for the sun to pour through the windows of my heart, soul, mind, and weakness. Oh lord, save me. Bring me back to that place that only cares about you, and because of that I care about sooooo much more, but with healthy eyes of surrender, peace, and joy...

Begging you Abba,

your prodigal ragamuffin-david leo