I guess this is more of a follow up to my last entry, but how do I cowboy up, as a broken person. If I was just brave, and used to fear nothing, it's not as sexy. If I was just strong, and never weak, it's not as impressive. If I was whole always without redemption, where would compassion, mercy, and grace be found in my life?
Anywho, while I think that I can be a wuss, fearful, timid, sinful, a bleeding heart, a recluse, an introvert, a sensitive sissy. There's something else in me, that is an overcomer, a vengence in my heart, a passionate warrior, a force not to be reckoned with, some of it is awe inspiring, some of it is even sexy, some of it, if not most is born out of pain.
I maybe be opening up, a bit much, but since I only have 4 readers, i think it's okay. A scene in a movie that makes me cry every time I see it is "Punch Drunk Love" starring Adam Sandler and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson (one of the best on the planet by the way, a flawless film director)...any who...when Adam Sandler was pushed and pushed and pushed through the redicules and taunts of his sisters, Adam grabbed a hammer and broke the sliding glass door....I'm even tearing up as I think about it.
I feel like that. Not that I'm going to grab a hammer and break a sliding glass door...or maybe i will one day...something to hope for i guess...I do have this propensity to be a door mat, and I feel it, this "don't mess with me" thing inside me...it pops up it's ugly head from time to time...and sometimes it's mean...and sometimes it's totally called for and sexy.
I remember this story I heard once...from a friend...and a Christian...and he told a story, with a surprise ending...surprise, I guess, because it came from him....or maybe the context in which he was telling the story...but anywho...he was in line at subway and this older lady was in front of him rediculing the sandwich maker about getting the wrong cookie...the older lady wouldn't let it go...she would...not....let...it....go....finally my friend got in this lady's face and called her out on being mean to the sandwich maker...and kept saying..."lady it's just a cookie"...and after he told the story he said...I don't do that enough...stand up for people...I don't do that enough...
I've never forgot that story...it's stood out in my mind...I don't do that enough...I don't do that enough for myself...I've always felt like there was a difference between humility (considering others before yourself) and being a doormat. but what more of a doormat could you been then laying down your life and letting someone murder you for the sake of another? (Jesus)
Apart of man up, that is a stirring within, is fleeing from temptation, not just sitting there, but actually escaping the clutches, and even if your not a Christian, I know temptation can sometimes feel like an exclusively christian word...what is robbing you of life? escape from that, run with a fury from that, and run to what gives you life, true life, life that isn't mascaraded my momentary pleasure or temporary joy, but a truly fulfilling life...
I think of the image in "Twister" when the tornado chasers tied themselves to a pole when the twister destroyed the barn and they're holding on with all they got. Run yes, but if there is no escape, hold on to what is imoveable for dear life...hold on tight...and for those that dare trust in Jesus, I think you'll find He'll hold on tight, if you let him...
Right now in most areas of my life, I feel like I've got one more round, I'm beat up, brusied, and in some half coma from the last 8 years of my life...I'm bleeding, tired, worn out, and with all the angst, anger, desire not to give up, hating to loose, vengence, hunger, wanting one more round, don't wanna let the bad guys win, something to prove, fighting the good fight, I wanna get up, man up, yell out a bruce willis quip and fight, not give up, all the while God's power is made perfect in my weakness, so whether or not I have strength or am ready, it is time to man up, get up and keep heading towards the light at the end of a dark, and frightening tunnel...
Be Gods,
David Leo Schultz
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